Monthly Archives: July 2014

Transitioning From Being Mama to Become Mother

According to the dictionary the word hindrance means:

  1. a person or thing that makes a situation difficult : a person or thing that hinders someone or something
  2. the act of making it difficult for someone to act or for something to be done : the act of hindering someone or something

Now let’s look at how our well intentioned self could be a hindrance or a stumbling block for someone else especially for someone we love. I’m speaking to mothers in particular today but this can apply to anyone in any number of different situations. Keep reading and there just might be a few nuggets of truth here that may benefit you.

I decided to write this today because of some recent conversations I’ve had with women when it comes to their grown children. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female there always seemed to be the same concern. This concern manifests itself in our desire to prevent the child in our opinion from suffering needlessly. Naturally this maternal instinct is inbred in us early. For many it’s while the child is still developing in our wombs and for others it kicks into high gear the moment that precious bundle is placed in our arms. It doesn’t matter when it kicks in the fact that it does matter. The problem arises as we nurture and instruct our charges many of us suddenly have no idea how to let go and let that child, especially that grown child spread its wings and “fly”.

As much as it pains me to tell you this, mama, it’s time to let go and be “mother” and not “mama”.  What’s the difference? So you don’t get confused and I start receiving tons of emails this is my definition: Mama – the one who takes care all of her child’s needs, from hunger pains, diaper changes, skinned knees, sibling fights, loss of best friend to helping with homework. That’s mama! Whether you birthed that child, adopted the child or had to become the parent for any number of reasons these are things that a mama does. Wouldn’t you agree?

So what about mother? Well again this is my opinion – mother is now that person who recognizes that her main job/responsibility is over. Sure that grown child will still needs her but on a different level. Now they’re making choices and decisions for their lives that have nothing to do with her wishes. And because mama has done her job well she must trust that the lessons taught stick and the child will make sound choices and decisions.

Okay snap out of it and welcome back to the real world. As mothers we know many of the pitfalls that may befall our child or children and it is that maternal instinct to serve as a buffer that could pose a tremendous hindrance to the child. As much as we may want to keep them from being hurt, we can’t. It’s a part of their rite of passage to adulthood.

Our sons are in many ways more resilient so we mothers tend to focus our attention towards our daughters. After all many of the things our daughters experience we may have already experienced and because of our lessons learned we feel obligated to share this knowledge with our daughters. It doesn’t matter if they’re not interested we simply must shake them into understanding what we do is for their own good. This is especially true when it comes to matters of the heart. We know that male/female relationships are complicated. We have learned to listen to our intuitive self and recognize warning signs that our daughters suddenly seem to have completely lost. We shudder in horror as they make decisions we KNOW are bad for them. And if there’s a child involved then we’re doubly concerned. So we talk, we plead, we preach and we cry. But to no avail.

This beautiful child we brought into the world has suddenly lost all prospective. Never mind that we once did many of the same things. All we’re doing now is putting a wedge that will only harden her heart and fill her ears with wax. So what’s a mother to do? Well I’ve thought long and hard on this and this is what I’ve concluded. First let me remind you that I’m a mother to 6, a grandmother to 30 and I have 2 great-grandchildren and through it all I’m still young in mind, body and spirit. I hope this gives you an idea that I might have learned a few things over the years. After all:

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
– Honoré de Balzac
With that said try these:
  • Realize that just because your child is grown you haven’t lost them even when it takes them a while to call and check on you
  • Accept that your job for the last 18 plus years has changed and you now have been promoted
  • Allow the adult child to make their own mistakes – they’ll remember it better than you sharing your war stories
  • Be a listening post now and only provide advice when specifically asked (and then tread lightly)
  • Accept that your child will not choose the mate you want for them, they have to discover this for themselves
  • Love unconditionally
  • Let Go and Let God
  • Pray often
  • Develop your own interests – you’ll have less time to worry about your child
  • Cultivate your spirit, mind and soul by rediscovering the person you put on hold while raising your child
  • Remember all the good qualities you instilled in your child and know that they will return to them once they’ve experienced their own life bumps
  • Don’t judge but leave the lines of communication open – one day she’ll be there with a broken heart and then you can be mama for just a moment then return to mother and remind her she’s much stronger than she’s giving herself credit for
  • Pray often
  • Remember that you too once had to walk a similar road and wow you’re still here!
  • Love unconditionally
  • Pray often

And if you fear your daughter may be in an abusive relationship, express your concern and if you don’t have the words visit, you’ll find a free e-book with steps you can share.

Holding On and Pushing Through

Have you ever had a day when it was so difficult to get out of bed? Did it seem as if the effort was too much and you just wanted to have an I’m not feeling it day? I can readily admit that I’ve had my share of days like that. There were some I knew the root cause; such as when I was laid off and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find another job. Some mornings I’d awake and say to my self, “why bother it’s just going to be another day like all the rest.” I can vividly remember how my body reacted to such doom and gloom. I’d have headaches, tears would be just at the brink of spilling and of course cold sweaty feet!

Now another time I can remember was just within the past year. I’d been in an accident in which I shattered my wrist and was black, blue and green all over the top half of my body. To get out of bed every morning and prepare for work was such a chore. To bathe took better than 40 minutes. To put on a bra one handed took dexterity I didn’t know I possessed. That’s just to make myself presentable to get to work! Once there I had to find a way to sit in a chair for 8 – 9 hours, then figure out the best way to do my job one-handed. It seemed like the weeks to get to some semblance of normalcy took a long time to appear. So how did I push through? I’m so glad you asked!

In the first instance, I started to think about helping others instead of wallowing in pity. Of course I had someone to kick me into gear on those days when even that didn’t pull me through. I can’t say enough about the husband God blessed me with! He knew when to push, prod, hold my hand, encourage or simply life my spirits by reminding me that our God wouldn’t put any more on me than what he’s already prepared me for. I’ll admit there were some days in which the flesh just didn’t want to hear it. The important lesson is that even so I would tamp down that NEGATIVITY and accept what was offered.

Eventually it became easier and easier to think outside of myself. By doing so I found myself in a position I will always be grateful for. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister-n-law before cancer won and took her away from us. I got to spend lots of time with my niece and nephews as they struggled to deal with their grief and loss and naturally be a shoulder for my brother as he did his best to continue, after all he didn’t have the luxury of staying home. He needed to get back on the road and provide for his children. Had I been working none of the above would have happened. My life was richly blessed because of the experience. And though I miss her dearly I know she’s where there’s no more pain. Though her physical body is not here her spirit and her love remains.

With the car accident again I just wanted to wallow and tend to my aching body. I didn’t know how I’d make it through but before I knew it the aches and pain got more bearable and the task of caring for myself was made easier by a wonderful angel that resided in my home. Yes, you guessed it! My husband for even through his own pain he took care of me, got me to work, picked me up, prepared meals and kept a smile on my face even when all I wanted to do was cry.

I think you can see the formula evolving right? Of course you can! Several weeks ago I talked about the importance of expanding your circle of people surrounding you. So if you aren’t blessed with a husband, wife or significant other then those other people you’ve carefully allowed in your circle should be a source of strength, encouragement and faith-building.

Speaking of faith building. There’s a song with the words, “I need just a little more Jesus,”. This come to mind because my husband and I were listening and singing along with the song while sitting stopped behind a few other cars waiting for the traffic light to turn green when out of no where we were rear-ended. This happened six weeks after my initial accident. Now my husband and I both were suffering but through it all we have persevered; and though we still have some issues we haven’t stopped! Sometimes things happen just to try your faith. We’ve had to encourage each other and help each other! Together we’re stronger than if we had tried and do it on our own.

Yes I’m extremely blessed. I don’t take it for granted for I can easily look back at the old me of years ago and marvel at the change in me. Yes it has a cost but doesn’t anything worth having have a cost. You have to hold on and push through to see the gifts of Grace, Mercy and Peace. We all have faith in something the only question is what does your faith produce? Only you can answer that. All I can do is encourage you to continue to hold on and push through, something amazing will happen!

When the Words, “I’m Healed Are Not Enough”

I’ve heard those words so many times, yet they don’t always ring true. I understand the need to say them after all you don’t want to feel as if you’re continuing to give someone else power over you. But the most important thing about those words is that you must truly mean them. How else do you hope to heal?

You can put a brave face on and present that to the world. Oh sure it’ll work for a while but in the end you’ll know and those close to you and who love you will know the truth as well. Healing from disappoint, regret, hurt, betrayal and most of all abuse whether it’s emotional or physical requires time and in some cases counseling.

You can’t turn a blind eye to it because it will affect all future relationships and I believe deep in my heart you don’t want that to be the case. You’ll never fully be healed until you’ve faced the results and, acknowledge the affect they’ve produced and then make a conscious effort to move forward.

So, how can you accomplish this?

1. Don’t gloss it over – you don’t have to be brave. it’s okay to be vulnerable with those you love so they can help you.

2. Acknowledge the pain – ignoring or pretending it doesn’t matter does a disservice to you and what you’ve experienced. Don’t make light of it.

3. Learn from it – even those things that cause us pain have lessons in them. It’s up to us to look beyond the obvious to find the deeper meaning. Once you’ve learned the lesson:

4. Make changes in your life – It could be you need to let some people go and surround yourself with more positive ones. It could mean you need to question yourself and ask how can I not attract this to me again.

5.  Share your experience  – so that you can help others to do as you. The best way to tell you’re no longer affected is when you can talk about it and you are not suddenly transported there. That’s a huge step. Celebrate it!

5. Jump in and Make a Splash – If you have the desire volunteer your time, write a book or even start a nonprofit so that others can benefit from your experience. Each time you help someone else you are continuing to heal and help yourself.

In the end you’re be proud of the person you’ve become and when you say those words, “I’m Healed”. You’ll mean it.

Are you interested in doing any of the things listed in #5? Visit