Recovering From an Abusive Relationship

Yes, you are finally free! Now What? It took strength and determination to break free. It’s going to take strength, determination and patience to ensure you are recovered from the experiences of an abusive relationship.

Keep in mind that there is not a one size fits all prescription. There’s going to be trial and error as you navigate your way to a healthy relationship. But regardless of what works one thing is important for anyone. What is that you ask? Love Yourself! Let me repeat that…Love Yourself!

This is important in the healing process so that you can begin to listen to the warning signs you previously ignored. You know the ones some made you feel special when in reality it was all about control.

Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be cut off from family and friends.

Love yourself enough to be happy with your own company.

Love yourself enough to not accept physical and emotional abuse as part of being a couple.

Love yourself enough to recognize and listen when your body tells you you’re unsafe.

Love yourself enough to speak words of encouragement and inspiration as you go through stages of grief.

Love yourself enough to want the best because you deserve the best and give it in return.

Love yourself enough to stand up and speak up when you’re in pain.

Love yourself enough to allow time to work its magic.

Love yourself enough to look in the mirror and see the beauty in the eyes looking back at you.

Love yourself enough to shake the shackles of the past and not hold it against another person.

And most important of all love yourself enough to FORGIVE and move forward with great expectation and joy.

Yes recovering from an abusive relationship is possible. You can and you will do it.

The Road to Forgiveness

This is actually a repeat with additional information about a very important topic: Forgiveness. I wanted to do it again as I’ve been running into a lot of women who have major struggles with it. I hope this additional information is of a benefit.

“I’m healed.” I’ve heard those words so many times, yet they don’t always ring true. I understand the need to say them after all you don’t want to feel as if you’re continuing to give someone else power over you. But the most important thing about those words is that you must truly mean them. How else do you hope to heal? Words alone won’t make it true. You’re going to have to do some work and it starts with you.

You can put a brave face on and present that to the world. Oh sure it’ll work for a while but in the end you’ll know and those close to you and who love you will know the truth as well. Healing from disappoint, regret, hurt, betrayal and most of all abuse whether it’s emotional or physical requires time and in some cases counseling.

You can’t turn a blind eye to it because it will affect all future relationships and I believe deep in my heart you don’t want that to be the case. You’ll never fully be healed until you’ve faced the results and, acknowledged the affect they’ve produced and then make a conscious effort to move forward.

So, how can you accomplish this?

• Don’t gloss it over – you don’t have to be brave. It’s okay to be vulnerable with those you love so they can help you. Overcoming the past takes effort.
  

  “Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller

•  Acknowledge the pain – ignoring or pretending it doesn’t matter does a disservice to you and what you’ve experienced. Don’t make light of it. I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now that no matter how much you push things to the back of your mind there’s always that time something triggers the memory and it becomes just as fresh as the day it happened. This is proof that ignoring it is futile.

 

• Learn from it – even those things that cause us pain have lessons in them. It’s up to us to look beyond the obvious to find the deeper meaning. Once you’ve learned the lesson: Forgive! It’s a powerful tool and one that must be done in order to fully heal. Forgiveness isn’t for the one who did you wrong, it’s for you. Without the forgiveness you are continually giving power over you to someone or something else. Take back your power. Two books I recommend that discusses forgiveness are Forgiveness: Finding Peace Through Letting Go and Forgiveness: Heart Healing Stories for the Stubborn and Hard-Headed. Both will provide useful insights about forgiveness and how you can benefit from it.

 

• You’ll begin to remember the person you always wanted to be. That person is still there you just have to do some work uncovering the jewels that have been lost for a while. The good news is that on October 19th my online course: From Adversity to Passion: A Guide to Your Divine Destiny and Joy will debut. This 8 week intense course will help you to transform so that you can have a more abundant, fulfilling and joyful life.

 

• Share your experiences – As you help others you also help you. The best way to tell you’re no longer affected by the events of your past is when you can talk about it and you are not suddenly transported back there. That’s a huge step. Celebrate it!

 

• Jump in and Make a Splash – If you have the desire to you may want to volunteer your time, write a book or even start a nonprofit so that others can benefit from your experience. Each time you help someone else you are continuing to heal and help yourself.

If you follow the steps above you will be well on your way to being proud of the person you’ve become for when you say the words, “I’m Healed”  you’ll know you really mean it.

 

Forgiveness – Ready, Set Go!

If you’re like most people whenever you’ve been hurt, betrayed or violated someone somewhere told you to forgive. Funny thing though they never tell you exactly how you’re supposed to do that. Do you tell that person I forgive you, give them a hug and a smile and go on as if the pain does not exist? Or better yet do you wait for them to do it again and you go through the forgiving cycle one more time. And besides, just how exactly does forgiving help you?

All of us at some point in our lives face these questions. The effort of forgiveness can be for something as trivial as hurt feelings or it could be something with much higher ramifications. The common denominator is the same no matter who the injured party is. YOU. And you’re the most important equation that you must forgive. How?

Letting it go. I know that’s a very simplistic answer to a very complex subject. There are instances in which the act of forgiveness is extremely easy, but in other cases it requires you to dig deep within in order to accomplish it. This is the type of forgiveness we’re dealing with today. The kind that requires you to acknowledge and accept past transgressions in order to learn, thrive and move forward. For those of you who have suffered the indignities of domestic violence, abuse and sexual assault this step will be a lifeline to propel you forward so that you are not defined by the circumstances of your past.

“Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

This is a great explanation for by forgiving you are opening the door to love and the most important person requiring forgiveness is…. not the person who did the wrong, oh no that gift, that beautiful jewel belongs to you. Forgiveness is more for you than the other person because it is ourselves we have the hardest time forgiving. Sure many may argue that no the person that wronged me, that’s the hardest to forgive and I just can’t do it! Okay so how long will you allow another person to have control of you and they are no longer in your life? I ask this question and want you to think about this. That person, male or female, family member, sister, brother, husband, wife, lover, friend or any ex.. is sleeping soundly every night and going about their daily lives giving no thought for your plight but because you refuse to forgive they are still in the driver’s seat of your life! Get the picture, so how’s that working for you? Understand this:

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
~Paul Boese

“People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.”
– Bill Cosby

Today I challenge you to take a pen to paper and write a heartfelt letter to yourself. In it lay it all out there, forgive yourself for the choices you made, forgive yourself for loving someone who didn’t love you and therefore mistreated you. Forgive yourself for holding on when you know in your heart you should have let go. Forgive yourself for having more faith and trust in someone else than you did in yourself. Forgive your self for allowing another human being to define you.  Be specific in this letter to you and leave nothing out.

Finally once you’ve told your self all the things you’ve forgiven you for, list those persons you need to forgive so that you can make room in your heart, spirit, mind and soul for the new treasures and jewels waiting to reside in the space once occupied by unforgiveness. Now take that letter read it, own it and accept it, now rip it to shreds and burn it while at the same time rejoicing that there’s a new spring in your step, a beautiful song in your heart and great anticipation for a journey that will take you to greater heights you never dreamed could be yours.

Happy journeying my friend for just around the corner are many gifts waiting to assail you and as you encounter each one partake of them with a hearty appetite for more juicy morsels are still waiting to entice you. Now go out there and share this new confident person with the world ,after all, you’ve made it through the storm and though this walk called life will at times assault you with its unpredictability stand tall knowing you’ve learned to not hold on to the bad because holding on means you could miss something beautiful.