Tag Archives: honesty

Respecting Your Mamas Wisdom About Relationships


womencircle

I know, it’s hard to believe that our mamas actually had a bit of wisdom to pass along to us. It seems that once we reached those teen years suddenly we knew more than she did. Or so we believed.

But if you take time to really examine that perception you know without a shadow of doubt that we were full of ourselves and discrediting the wisdom that resided in the woman who birthed us.

So lt me as a couple of questions and I hope you’ll take time to really think about your answer before you respond. After all the person it benefits the most is….YOU.

First, are you finding yourself repeating a familiar yet uncomfortable cycle in your relationships?
Secondly, when it’s just you and your heart is broken again, do you quietly say to yourself…”Mama Said”?

Remember you must be honest. Besides I will if you will. Over the years as I’ve gone through relationships my Mama’s words have come back to haunt me. Had I taken her nuggets of wisdom to heart I know I could have avoided a lot of disappointment and would not have had to deal with:

Low Self-Worth

  • Low-Self-Esteem
  • Physical and Emotional Abuse
  • Embarrassment
  • Frustration

I can readily admit that when I reached my teen years I suddenly woke up one morning and decided my Mama didn’t know what she was talking about. Besides it had been a long time since she was a teenager. Mama’s advice for avoiding unhealthy relationships was old-fashioned I thought. The rules she lived by didn’t apply to me. How wrong was I!

Mama’s advice for avoiding unhealthy relationships was given because she wanted me to not experience some of the things she had. She wanted me to learn from her…

 Now that I’m a mother and a grandmother, I find myself in her same position. I’m sure my children and grandchildren have those moments when they think to themselves, ‘Mama Said’ or ‘Grandma Said’.

Yes, it’s true that we all have to live our own lives, however, if we take the time to really listen to what our Mamas tried to teach us about avoiding unhealthy relationships we could have avoided so much pain.

Sometimes it seems like we’ve learned from the “school of hard knocks”!

The five nuggets of wisdom that my Mama tried to share and I was too stubborn to hear:

Nugget #1 – Know You Better than Others Do and Know Your Worth

Nugget #2 – Carry Yourself with Dignity & Respect

Nugget #3 – Education is Important for Success

Nugget #4 – You Can’t Change another Human Being

Nugget # 5 – “No” is Not a Bad Word

The interesting thing is that we don’t have to always learn things the hard way. I’m grateful that before my Mama passed she knew I’d learned the above lessons. I hope you’ll acknowledge the wisdom of the Mamas and Mothers in your life. It’s never too late to put it into practice. So go ahead give her a hug and a kiss and say thank you Mama. Hopefully, one day if you’re blessed to have a daughter of your own you too can pass on your nuggets of wisdom.

The Burning Question… Who Are You?


On this Fresh Start Monday, I have just this one question…Who Are You? Now before you begin to answer this question let me set the scene for you: You’ve just entered a room full of very interesting people. Everyone is smiling, laughing and talking animatedly about a variety of subjects. You stand there observing as you’re trying to decide which group you’d like to join. Of course there are butterflies in your stomach and you’re fighting the urge to run and take flight in the opposite direction. But you hold your ground.

You tell yourself, “I can do this. I can make conversation with anyone.” Right before you take that next step you spot the way to the ladies’ room and quickly make your way in that direction. Once inside you stare at the person looking back at you. You think back over the last 20 – 30 years of your life and wonder where did all the time go? In your mind’s eye you see your children from the moment they were placed in your arms until the day you saw them off to college, the military or just across town to their own place. Fleetingly you think about the son or daughter you witness get married and begin a whole new life with another person. On that day you were filled with joy and dread.

Joy, because you’re so happy to see your child all grown up and beginning his/her own family. Dread because now you wonder, “What shall I do with all this time I now have on my hands”? If you’re blessed to still have someone to share your life with you still have that same question, “What are we going to do, now that the house is empty except for the two of us”?

Does this scene sound familiar to anyone? I’m sure it does, I know long before that time arrived I made a decision that has served me well. I decided that though I had a responsibility to my children and of course to my husband. I also knew I had a responsibility to myself as well. This meant I couldn’t totally wrap myself in the lives of my children or spouse for when the day came and they weren’t around what oh what would I do with myself.

Finding interests or hobbies outside of your immediate family takes work and it’s a process of trial and error. You don’t know what truly fuels your imagination or fill you with wonder and amazement until you try it. So you have to have an adventurous spirit. For me I discovered that I love to read, I like running, I love puzzles and I like acting. Not a whole lot but enough that I tried out and participated in a few plays in the drama ministry at my church.

In the back of my mind I also knew that still wasn’t enough. I needed just a bit more. It was then that I looked outside of myself and found my greatest fulfillment! Helping others gives me the greatest joy and when people ask who am I I can readily answer in any number of ways depending on the circumstances.

The point I’m making on this Fresh Start Monday is that each of us should know who we are. Not who others think we are, or base our answer on what we think we should be but exactly who we are. The best way to answer that is to ensure you don’t become stale and bored with yourself. If you’re bored with yourself, I promise others will be as well.

 

For me being a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, sister-n-law, aunt and friend are just a small part of what makes me who I am. I’m a complex individual with likes and dislikes as anyone else may have. But I’m unique to me. I can be happy with just my own company or I can be relaxed and comfortable in a room full of diverse people. I have opinions about the world around me and I have causes that are dear to me. I’m a writer, published author, speaker, workshop/seminar facilitator, evangelist and life coach. Together it all makes a whole me.

So what about you? What makes you tick, what fuels your passion? Do you have a cause that’s dear to you? Have you taken your life lessons and developed them into a new chapter filled with opportunity and promise? Have you ventured outside of your comfort zone and made new friends and developed new relationships based on mutual respect, trust and understanding? If not are you ready to? Do you need a little coaching and encouragement to make that transition? If so you just may be the perfect candidate to join a group of like-minded individuals participating in ‘From Adversity to Passion, A Guide to Your Divine Destiny and Joy’. If that’s the case visit the Fresh Start for Women event page and sign up. You won’t be disappointed.

Come on join the movement so that the next time the question is posed you can answer without hesitation. ‘I am ….’

Happy Fresh Start Monday everyone!

 

Pain – What Does it Mean?


I recently had a visit to the dentist. It all started because I had a scheduled cleaning and during the cleaning mentioned I’d had some sensitivity to hot or cold  and it was beginning to give me a nagging bit of pain. Now I must admit visits to the dentist have always terrified me since the day a dentist decided to cram as much work as possible in a short amount of time. This decision resulted in excruciating pain that sent me to the emergency room to get some relief! As a result of that incident I now wear a partial because I simply refused to visit a dentist again for the longest time. I do regret that but the idea of having someone in my mouth would cause me to hyperventilate in anticipation of pain.

Now years later and after finally finding a place to relax (a little) when this pain nudged me I made an appointment. Suffice it to say I went in expecting to have one tooth extracted and ended up with two and one of those happen to have two nerves. Now I won’t get too graphic but it took SEVERAL shots to dull me where I didn’t feel pain. During the process I think I was gripping the arms of the chair while tears were running down my face. My heart was pounding so loudly in my ears it felt like a set of drums! But I survived! Two days later I’m almost back to normal.

Pain is your body’s way of telling you when something is wrong. of course there are various types of pain. Tooth, head, arm etc. but what about your heart? Not the kind that could signal a heart attack or stroke but the kind that signals to your emotions that you are going through a different type of crisis. This type can cause you to question who you are, whether you made bad choices and decisions or whether you put too much trust in another human being.

This type of pain can be devastating but if you take the time to step back you’ll be grateful for this temporary pain. Why? Once the rawness of the pain has diminished the lesson or scars can help you in future relationships. You’ll learn to listen to that inner voice that warns you something isn’t quite right. It’ll help you to make wiser choices and decisions going forward. But only if you listened and learned from the first pain.

So if you think about it pain can be your friend. And like a true friend it will tell you the unvarnished truth. The memory of the pain may fade but in the back of your mind you’ll remember what it felt like and will do all you can to avoid that type of pain again.

Yes, pain is my friend but it’s a friend I don’t need to visit often. How about you?

While Renewing the Inside Don’t Forget the Outside


We’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the inside. Reviving your spirit, letting go of things you’ve held on to that have caused you pain and harm has been our task for several weeks now. I encourage you to continue with all the good you’re doing for in the end the new you that emerges will be strong, powerful, positive, and determined. But in all this transformation don’t forget about the outside.

It’s easy to overlook because you may think “well there’s nothing wrong with the way I look”. Are you sure? Let me ask a few questions and then you decide.

1. When you give yourself that one last look in the mirror before you walk out the door are you smiling?

2. Do you look with excitement and anticipation to the day ahead?

3. Do the clothes you wear reflect the new you you’ve been working on?

4. Do you look up and not down when you’re going about your business.?

5. Do you greet people with a smile and/or a nod of hello?

6. Does the physical you reflect a person focused on being healthy as well?

I ask these questions because if there’s been a transformation on the inside it should reach the outside as well. The new you should exhibit an air of confidence and assurance that you know exactly who you are. At first it may seem strange and out of character bit why should it? Haven’t you worked hard to let go of things that have weighed you down? Then your new walk should reflect your new air of lightness. There should be a sense of purpose in every step and a determination that lights up your face.

I’ll never forget the time last year when the months of February through July were not kind to me. I was in a lot of physical pain and there were more than one day when it took everything I had to get up in the morning and make it to work. I had an ankle that put me in the hospital for three days only to still not resolve the issue. I’ll never forget the day I was at work and when I got up to go to the restroom I could barely move. A co-worker actually pushed me in my office chair to the restroom. Instead of feeling embarrassed I joked about it and laughed but made sure to thank her for her kindness.

I can remember what used to take me an hour to get dressed and ready now took an hour because with a shattered left wrist and a right side that was swollen, black, blue and green from a horrible car accident I struggled to do simple things like put on a bra or pull up my pants.  I was blessed to have a wonderful husband who helped me get through it all. Not only did he help me to get dressed but we went through my clothes to find things to wear that would require the least amount of effort. Then he’d take me to work and pick me up in the evenings, fighting Atlanta traffic 4 times a day.

During this time I had clients depending on me to encourage them as they made decisions to be safe and happy and in healthy relationships so I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I think the fact that I had so much to pay attention to helped me from falling into deep despair. Don’t get me wrong there were days I wasn’t sure I could make it but I was determined to not give in. So the outer person I presented to the world had to reflect that determination I had on the inside.

MY clothes were clean, even if I had to wear them more than once, my hair was always together and most important of all I wore a smile and it was one that reached my eyes as well. But it wasn’t just my smile; I have been accused of having a larger than life laugh and it served me well during my healing.

Why am I sharing this? Because I want all of you to prosper so if your thoughts and actions have changed then be sure to let the physical reflect the new you as well.  In other words if you used to dress provocatively but your inside is transformed then that dress code no longer works with the new you. Put it down and take on a new look.

If complaining, and feeling sorry for yourself used to be the norm but now you’re hopeful and full of joy then let shine in the new words you use and the new way you approach a problem or any situation. The old way is poison  don’t let it infect the new you.

Okay don’t worry, I’m not about to get on a soapbox as the older generation would say and start preaching but I am going to encourage you to do a few things:

1. Get some exercise – walk, bike or join a gym if you can afford it, either way don’t let money or the lack of money keep you from improving your physical health.

2. Eat more fruits and vegetables and drink lots of water while cutting down on sugar and empty calories.

3. Get a new wardrobe one that reflects the new you and again don’t let money or lack thereof prevent you from making a change. Use your creativity, you’ll be surprised what you can do.

4. Let the joy on the inside be reflected in the face you present to the world. Smile more and often, and greet people with a genuine look. Don’t be surprised if you get them back in return.

5. Make a promise to yourself to love you enough to give the above a real try.

Today is the last holiday of the summer enjoy it with family, friends and loved ones. Most of all I encourage you to enjoy it with the new you you’re creating from the inside out.

 

What is Your Divine Destiny and Joy


After much prayer and sounding off to friends, family and women in general I have finally embarked on a new venture. It is simply a continuation of what I’m passionate about but on a more personal and intimate level. On October 15th I will launch a new online course:  From Adversity to Passion: A Journey to Your Divine Destiny and Joy. You’ll learn more in the next few weeks but I thought I’d give you a small introduction.  Women who sign up for the course will have to answer some hard hitting questions. They include:

What are you hoping to achieve by completing this course (your goals)?

After completing this course what top 3 things do you want to put on your Loving Me Now and Beyond list?

This course will require a lot of writing and revisiting some unpleasant situations, however the end result, a life free from the past is worth be uncomfortable for a while After all true transformation can be painful.

  • Before the transformation can begin you have to be honest with yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lied to others in the past and now believe the lie yourself, it’s time to be really truly free from your painful past. Honesty is paramount so let’s answer three questions regarding those things from the past.
  1. When you travel through your memories of the past do you feel as if you’re right there in the moment?
  2. Does your heart race and you have the feeling you’re about to hyperventilate?
  3. Are you unable to have a conversation about the past without emotional tidal waves hitting you full force?
  4. If you’ve answered yes to two or more then you’re the perfect candidate to receive the gift of release from God. So, here are the next three questions:
  1. Do you want release?

2. Are you ready for release?

3. Are you willing to do the work?

This course is by no means an easy course; so to assist you in the process I have some questions you’ll need to answer in order to determine whether you’ve reached where you need to be in order to take full advantage of this course. (questions are part of the Overview)

This is going to sting a bit as you travel down an old path. Keep in mind however that the destination is much more important than this journey you’re about to travel. Why? It’s because the journey is what has led you here. So be appreciative of the journey, scars and all. However, look with anticipation for the destination. It will bring you to a place you only dreamed of; and it will lay the ground work for something worth more than money, rubies or gold. So hang in there.

The first thing I want to be clear about, this is not an opportunity for man bashing, blaming or self-doubt. It is first and foremost a real opportunity to look the past head-on and then glean from it the lessons to be learned and release the rest. To help facilitate this is the reason for the questionnaires you have been asked to complete. Don’t worry the questions are for you. There’s no grade involved but you must be as honest as you possibly can.

Have I piqued your interest? Want to learn more. Visit www.transformingjunkintojewels.com and register so you’ll be in the loop and just to thank you for registering you’ll receive my free E-book – Exit Action Plan: 10 Steps for Leaving an Abusive Relationship.

 

The Road to Forgiveness


This is actually a repeat with additional information about a very important topic: Forgiveness. I wanted to do it again as I’ve been running into a lot of women who have major struggles with it. I hope this additional information is of a benefit.

“I’m healed.” I’ve heard those words so many times, yet they don’t always ring true. I understand the need to say them after all you don’t want to feel as if you’re continuing to give someone else power over you. But the most important thing about those words is that you must truly mean them. How else do you hope to heal? Words alone won’t make it true. You’re going to have to do some work and it starts with you.

You can put a brave face on and present that to the world. Oh sure it’ll work for a while but in the end you’ll know and those close to you and who love you will know the truth as well. Healing from disappoint, regret, hurt, betrayal and most of all abuse whether it’s emotional or physical requires time and in some cases counseling.

You can’t turn a blind eye to it because it will affect all future relationships and I believe deep in my heart you don’t want that to be the case. You’ll never fully be healed until you’ve faced the results and, acknowledged the affect they’ve produced and then make a conscious effort to move forward.

So, how can you accomplish this?

  • Don’t gloss it over – you don’t have to be brave. It’s okay to be vulnerable with those you love so they can help you. Overcoming the past takes effort.

    “Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller

  •  Acknowledge the pain – ignoring or pretending it doesn’t matter does a disservice to you and what you’ve experienced. Don’t make light of it. I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now that no matter how much you push things to the back of your mind there’s always that time something triggers the memory and it becomes just as fresh as the day it happened. This is proof that ignoring it is futile.

 

  • Learn from it – even those things that cause us pain have lessons in them. It’s up to us to look beyond the obvious to find the deeper meaning. Once you’ve learned the lesson: Forgive! It’s a powerful tool and one that must be done in order to fully heal. Forgiveness isn’t for the one who did you wrong, it’s for you. Without the forgiveness you are continually giving power over you to someone or something else. Take back your power. Two books I recommend that discusses forgiveness are Forgiveness: Finding Peace Through Letting Go and Forgiveness: Heart Healing Stories for the Stubborn and Hard-Headed. Both will provide useful insights about forgiveness and how you can benefit from it.

 

  • You’ll begin to remember the person you always wanted to be. That person is still there you just have to do some work uncovering the jewels that have been lost for a while. The good news is that on October 19th my online course: From Adversity to Passion: A Guide to Your Divine Destiny and Joy will debut. This 8 week intense course will help you to transform so that you can have a more abundant, fulfilling and joyful life.

 

  • Share your experiences – As you help others you also help you. The best way to tell you’re no longer affected by the events of your past is when you can talk about it and you are not suddenly transported back there. That’s a huge step. Celebrate it!

 

  • Jump in and Make a Splash – If you have the desire to you may want to volunteer your time, write a book or even start a nonprofit so that others can benefit from your experience. Each time you help someone else you are continuing to heal and help yourself.

If you follow the steps above you will be well on your way to being proud of the person you’ve become for when you say the words, “I’m Healed”  you’ll know you really mean it.

 

Who Are You?


On this Fresh Start Monday, I have just this one question…Who Are You? Now before you begin to answer this question let me tell you that you’ve just entered a room full of very interesting people. Everyone is smiling, laughing and talking animatedly about a variety of subjects. As you stand there observing you’re trying to decide which group you’d like to join. Of course there are butterflies in your stomach and you’re fighting the urge to run and take flight in the opposite direction.

You tell yourself, “I can do this, I can make conversation with anyone.” But, right before you take that next step you spot the way to the ladies’ room and quickly make your way there. Once inside you stare at the person looking back at you. You think back over the last 20 – 30 years of your life and wonder where did all the time go? In your mind’s eye you see your children from the moment they were placed in your arms until the day you saw them off to college, the military or just across town to their place. Fleetingly you think about the son or daughter you witness get married and begin a whole new life with another person. On that day you were willed with joy and dread.

Joy, because you’re so happy to see your child all grown up and beginning his/her own family. Dread because now you wonder, “what shall I do with all this time I now have on my hands”? If you’re blessed to still have someone to share your life with you still have that same question, “What are we going to do, now that the house is empty except for us”?

Does this scene sound familiar to anyone? I’m sure it does, I know long before that time arrived I made a decision that has served me well. I decided that though I had a responsibility to my children and of course to my husband. I also knew I had a responsibility to myself as well. This meant I couldn’t totally wrap myself in the lives of my children or spouse for when the day came and they weren’t around what oh what would I do with myself.

Finding interests or hobbies outside of your immediate family takes work and it’s a process of trial and error. You don’t know what truly fuels your imagination or fill you with wonder and amazement until you try it. So you have to have an adventurous spirit. For me I discovered that I love to read, I like running, I love puzzles and I like acting. Not a whole lot but enough that I tried out and participated in a few plays in the drama ministry at my church.

But in the back of my mind I also knew that that wasn’t enough. I needed just a bit more. It was then that I looked outside of myself and found my greatest fulfillment! Helping others gives me the greatest joy and when people ask who am I, I can readily answer in any number of ways depending on the circumstances.

The point I’m making on this Fresh Start Monday is that each of us should know who we are. Not who others think we are, or base our answer on what we think we should be but exactly who we are. The best way to answer that is to ensure you don’t become stale and bored with yourself. If you’re bored with yourself, I promise others will be as well.

For me being a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, sister-n-law, aunt and friend are just a small part of what makes me who I am. I’m a complex individual with likes and dislikes as anyone else may have. But I’m unique to me. I can be happy with just my own company or I can be relaxed and comfortable in a room full of diverse people. I have opinions about the world around me and I have causes that are dear to me.  I’m a writer, published author, speaker, workshop/seminar facilitator, evangelist and life coach. Together it all makes a whole me.

So again I ask, who are you? if you have to think too long then it’s time to do some work. Start discovering what makes you tick. See what interests are dear to you so that you too can walk into a crowded room and know without a shadow of doubt exactly who you are!

Happy Fresh Start Monday everyone!